A preamble: I was considering using the title, "Vanilla: It's not supposed to be Beaver Farts". You'll have to read deep to find out about that title :D Also I was going to title this "Vanilla: Call it plain and I'll punch you in teh(sp) dick". But that was kinda crass. I do often wonder why people say things like "plain old vanilla" when referring to anything that's blah, simple, or basic. Vanilla is anything but. It is easily the most popular flavouring in the world. Anyway, let's get into this.

Some History

Did you know vanilla is part of a flower family of plants? Specifically the orchid family. It's also a bit of a dichotomy: it's native to billions of sometimes rather diverse acreage from Mexico on through South America, but until the 1850s, virtually impossible to transport and grow in other parts of the world. And while vanilla is native to Mexico, Central America, South America and the Caribbean, it is Madagascar and Indonesia today producing 4/5ths of the world's supply.

Vanilla is believed to have first been cultivated in Mexico by the Totonac Peoples who lived on the east coast; when those people were conquered by the Aztecs in the 1400s, that all powerful tribe (until they met Cortez ) carried on the tradition.

Cortez and his company of ill repute (they really are some of history's worst villains) brought vanilla (along with a LOT of gold) back to Spain where it quickly worked its way through European society as a new kind of exotic and far off spice.

From the get go, vanilla and chocolate went together. The Aztecs drank their super bitter unsweetened chocolate with vanilla included; the Europeans did too, once they added some sugar (also from the new world) to the mix. In fact, for the first 100+ years after vanilla's introduction into Europe, being an additive to chocolate was its only real use. Queen Elizabeth (the First, not the 20th century one) changed that by starting a trend of vanilla flavoured sweetmeats.

It was the French who first started adding vanilla to ice cream, and it was that act that lead to vanilla's stratospheric demand, in a way you might be surprised to learn. The thing is, vanilla ice cream became the favourite of the-then US Ambassador to France, a fellow named Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson loved the taste so much, he brought the recipe (along with a sizeable import of vanilla pods) back to the US where it was instantly popularized and demand soared. (Jefferson's handwritten recipe for vanilla ice cream, brought back from France, is now in the Library of Congress!)

Once vanilla hit US shores as a flavouring, the sky was the limit. In the first half of the 19th century, it became a key ingredient in thousands of baking and cooking recipes. Demand skyrocketed, and supply couldn't keep up. I'll get deep into the hows and whys on this below, but know this: by 1850, vanilla was both extremely scarce and and extremely expensive. There were many attempts made to cultivate and grow vanilla outside its natural environments, but most failed because of the super tight relationship between the vanilla orchid and its natural pollinator, (the Melinpona bee (hummingbirds also do the duty, but not as well)) wasn't understood, and couldn't be replicated naturally in other parts of the world. It wasn't until 1841 that the first successful attempts to hand pollinate the orchid plant lead to greater vanilla production worldwide. BTW, the "inventor" of hand pollinating vanilla? A 12 year old slave boy. True story (worth a read!).

As world production scaled up, demand for vanilla continued to outpace production. Vanilla was increasingly used in beverages, and was one of the key ingredients in soda counter beverages of the late 1800s, including the then-new Coca Cola. Vanilla has never, ever seen a decline in demand since, and to this day, demand outstrips production. You know that that means, right?

It means vanilla became the second most expensive spice in the world after saffron. Production of the real stuff could never keep up. Why is that? Well, it takes a lot of effort to grow vanilla. The Vanilla Orchid plant is actually a clinging vine plant, sometimes reaching 200, 300 feet into the air. Towards the top, tiny flowers, some as small as 5cm across, bloom for a scant 24 hours, and must be pollenated during that time. In nature, this pollination occurs only once for every 100 flower blooms. No pollination? Flower dies, no vanilla fruit is formed. And if the vanilla fruit does form, it'll still take up to a year to get a usable, sellable vanilla pod.

But never fret - science caught up, and figured out at least some of the magic of vanilla in the late 1800s. Which leads me to the title of this post:

You May Have Never Tasted Real Vanilla

That's right. Just like cinnamon, you may have never actually tasted real vanilla in your lifetime. Science saw to that (as did vanilla's scarcity). Let's delve more into how vanilla is grown and cultured, before we talk about the stuff you've tasted.

As mentioned above, vanilla is the fruit of the Vanilla Orchid plant, produced after the orchid flower has formed, bloomed and been pollinated, either by hand or by natural causes. The result is classified as a fruit, but we all know it as a pod (as in a pea pod!). These pods take a crazy amount of time to mature: up to 9 months. When they are mature, they're usually 15-20cm in length, and inside there's thousands of tiny seeds. These seeds are the "good stuff" and are the specks of black dots you might see in authentic vanilla ice cream.

But even at that stage, after 9 months of growth, the pods are not "good stuff" yet; they then have to be cured during a complicated, multiple stage process. Only then are the pods in a sellable, shelf stable, marketable and usable format. All of this - the pollination process, the time to grow the pods, the time to cure the pods, all adds to vanilla's cost and scarcity. In fact, the global production of true vanilla may surprise you: it's less than 2,200 metric tons per year. So how do we have so much vanilla when so little is produced?

The stuff in your vanilla cookies, vanilla flavoured vodka, many vanilla ice creams, those $2.99 "vanilla extract" bottles at Walmart? Not vanilla. It's made from a synthetic, called "vanillin", which is made from petrochemicals (ewwww!) The chemicals are lingnin, a garbage byproduct of the paper and wood industry, and eugenol, which is a component from clove oil. There is another source of vanillin too: beavers. Good old Canadian beavers. It can be extracted from castoreum, which is, errr, uhm, well, no way around this: it's the secretion from the anal glands of beavers. Ewwww. :) (sidenote: don't fret - only ~~about 5%~~ about .5% of the world's vanillin extraction comes from beavers! Second sidenote - you can get drunk while enjoying castoreum!)

Global production of vanillin? 10x that of real vanilla: 23,000 metric tons.

That's the stuff that's in 95 out every 100 things (or more) labelled "vanilla" anything. That's the stuff you've tasted when you thought you were using vanilla. Beaver farts. Mmmm. ;)

True Vanilla - the Types

Vanilla competes with red wine as the world's second most complex food item (coffee's the most complex ever, by a factor of 3.5). Latest research shows vanilla has between 275 and 425 different chemical components contributing directly to taste and aroma. Thankfully (and unlike coffee), vanilla doesn't have the fleeting shelf-stable ability other complex food items can have: meaning vanilla holds its flavour long time. True vanilla does contain a sizeable amount of vanillin which is a big contributor to its taste and aroma, but complexity derives from the other components, which makes real vanilla oh so amazing.

Remember how I said above that vanilla is native to Central and South America? So how do we get Madagascar Vanilla? Indonesian Vanilla (the two largest producers of vanilla today)? It's all because of that little slave boy I wrote about and linked above. His discovery meant vanilla could grow in places like Madagascar, Indonesia, India, even China.

Today there are four major cultivars of vanilla:

• Madagascar Vanilla Vanilla planifolia, considered the world's best, and a good thing too since Madagascar is also the world's largest producer of vanilla, putting out 3,500 metric tons. This is commonly known as bourbon vanilla. There's no Kentucky Bourbon involved (sidenote: there is a bourbon variant of arabica coffee too, and very prized for its flavour); Bourbon is the old name of Réunion Island in the Indian Ocean. Bourbon vanilla is indeed the poster child for what vanilla should taste like, and it is one of the most consistent (ie, same flavour year in, year out) vanillas produced.
• Mexican Vanilla Vanilla planifolia, the original, the uber authentic. You and I will probably never taste this type since only 390 metric tons are produced each year.
• Tahitian Vanilla Vanilla tahensis, the back story on this vanilla is interesting, and well worth a google search if you've got time. This is a cross breed species of vanilla and has a very unique taste compared to other vanillas - it has more of a anise / red fruit / super aromatic quality. I tasted it once and it was sublime.
• West Indies Vanilla. Vanilla pompona, another variant (very close to Mexican though), grown in the Caribbean countries.

There is no Indonesian cultivar of vanilla, though Indonesia is the world's second largest producer of vanilla after Madagascar. Most of the cultivars above are grown in Indonesia, and the only reason they're close to Madagascar in production is because the vanilla industry in Indonesia focuses on output, not quality. It's the low tier, bottom shelf, budget stuff of the vanilla world. Avoid it if you can.

You may have heard of French Vanilla. No such thing. Well there is a thing, but it's not a plant or cultivar. It's actually named after the French method of using vanilla and eggs to make custards. Strong vanilla aroma, custard texture and taste.

What about vanilla extract?

Again, chances are, the vanilla extract you've got in your baking cupboard isn't made with real vanilla, it's made with vanillin. Unless… unless it's labelled "pure" and sold in the US. In the US, the FDA regulates vanilla extract, and to carry the label "pure" on the label, must contain a minimum of 35% alcohol, around 65% water, and 100g of vanilla beans used per litre of extract. Thing is, that's the bare minimum, and many of these extracts have an artificial vanillin boost. If you want something that is all true vanilla extract (with alcohol), you have to look for 2-fold, 3-fold or even 4-fold pure vanilla extract; those are 2x, 3x, 4x the amount used in the minimum "pure label" extracts.

NB - should you use bakery vanilla extract in your vape recipes? Some say yes, some say no. Some say as long as the ingredients are the vanillin, alcohol and water, go for it, but if sugar or gums of various types are included, no. Also, there's a lot of reports of using vanilla extract burning up wicks and coils really quickly. Same goes for those making their own vanilla flavouring at home, using vanilla pods and pg in an extra long steep. Me? I'd rather just use one from a flavouring company that designs the vanilla flavouring for vaping.

Yo Buddy, I just want to vape the stuff!

This time around, I'm not going to recommend any vanilla from any flavour concentrate producer. I've put in emails to several of them asking about what they use (vanilla or vanillin), and what cultivars and such are in their flavourings, and unfortunately haven't got responses from any. If you have a good inside contact with various flavour manufacturers, please ask them this question, and share your answers here.

Also, if you have a lot of experience with various vanilla flavourings, and want to recommend one above all the others, please do so! Me - I have several vanillas, and I'll just mention (without recommending) the one I use most: FA's Vanilla Bourbon. Keep this in mind as a general reference: normal vanillin and "classic vanilla" is probably the most basic vanilla tastes, the kinds you find in ice cream, cookies, coca cola, etc. Bourbon / Madagascar vanillas are the BMOC (google that) of vanillas - deep, rich, complex, you'll know its vanilla when you use it. Tahitian vanilla is a lighter, more fruity, more floral aromatic vanilla. Almost vanilla light, with some nice fruity complexity.

What does vanilla go with? Glad you asked. Pretty much everything. But here's some of my pairing suggestions:

• Chocolate. Seriously. These two were made for each other
• Creams. Again, a perfect pairing and compliment, as an equal partner, or accent.
• Cinnamon and/or ginger. Think of cinnamon/vanilla, vanilla/ginger (or what the heck, cinnamon/ginger too) as a one-two modifier or accent punch for your next recipe.
• Bakery flavours. Graham Crackers, cookies, dough, you name it, vanilla gives it a super boost.
• Tobaccos. I have yet to run into any tobacco flavouring that doesn't like a hit of vanilla. Some already have it in, but what the heck, add more.
• Nuts and Stuff. Got almond? Walnut? Peanut? Peanut Butter? Nutmeg? Other nuts and similar? Vanilla goes awesome with them.
• Alcohol flavourings. Got a Kentucky Bourbon, Irish Whiskey, Rum, etc, etc? Vanilla that sucker up.
• Fleshy Fruits. A vape I've been enjoying lately is one made up of sweet apple and vanilla.
• Cloves. Big fan of clove cigarettes when you smoked (you friggin' hipster you)? Try a recipe combo of vanilla and cloves (with some other stuff) and go to heaven.
• Citrus fruits. Vanilla works with them all, but especially well with orange style citrus fruit flavourings.
• Caramel and Butterscotch. Man, I'm salivating now.
• Red fruits (cherry, raspberry, blueberry, blackberry, boysenberry, strawberry, etc etc). Go light, especially if using a bourbon style vanilla, but enjoy the special je ne c'est quois it brings.

Well there you go folks. Warned you it was long. Millennials thinking about complaining at the wall of text? Go read a friggin' book, willya. ;)

Other flavouring guides I've written:

• Wintergreen
• Marshmallow
• Cinnamon
• Bonus Cinnamon with Tonka Bean
• Toffee and Butterscotch
• Malted Milk
• Bergamot Orange